THERE has always been a Tom and Jerry relationship between mothers-in-law and their daughters-in-law. This feud goes way back in time. This article will look at this topic from the mother’s perspective and the daughter-in-law’s angle.
To a mother, the son is always that little boy that she gave birth to, nurtured and trained. He will always be her baby. When a wife comes into the life of the son, the first fear a mother entertains is that someone is about to steal her son and his affection.
Daughters-in-law should always remember that tomorrow, they will become other women’s mothers-in-law. They should also remember the law of karma – whatever you sow today, you will reap tomorrow. There is one wicked and obnoxious philosophy that most ladies have. Once they marry a man, they want him all to themselves and their family. Take statistics of most homes and confirm what I am saying. In 90 per cent of homes, the relations you find around are relatives of the wife. True or false?
Naturally, the mother becomes insecure and automatically begins to develop and harbour hatred against the prospective thief. If not checked, this hatred can get out of control. This explains why mothers-in-law are usually a bride’s greatest nightmare.
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Due to the underlying disaffection, mothers-in-law are quick to act against a woman. For example, when a couple get married, before the ink on the wedding certificate dries up, she begins to ask questions about pregnancy. In Africa, and Nigeria in particular; if a woman gives birth to only girls, the mother-in-law is usually the one to raise issues about an heir to the family name. Needless to say, this undue interference brings a lot of stress to the couple.
I know of mothers-in-law who were audacious enough to personally kick a wife out of the house of her husband due to the foregoing issues.
Some, without consultation with their sons, seek and recruit a better wife for their son. This is common especially where the wife cannot bear children or perhaps where the woman is bearing only female children. I sympathise with the sheer ignorance to the science of conception here that pushes mothers-in-law to this extreme point. Is the mother-in-law totally wrong in what she does? The answer is no!
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A mother has the right to love her son. This love could be displayed in more ways than one. The only problem here is the mother-in-law’s inability to accept that the son now has a family of his own and look at things from the lens of this new family. The sacrifice of a mother to a son cannot be over-emphasised. From the time of pregnancy, where she suffers both physical and psychological pains, to birth pangs on the day of delivery.
Her suffering does not end there. She cares for the son from the cradle up until he becomes a man. Thus, it is wrong, in fact unjust, to expect that a mother will want someone else to reap the fruit of her labour. A man should love his mother than anyone else. A mother on the other hand must learn to love her son unselfishly.
Let’s take a cue from the biblical story of two women fighting over a child. The fake mother suggested that the baby be divided into two parts and shared amongst them. The real mother unselfishly countered that instead of that bizarre suggestion, the child be handed over to the fake mother. From this unselfish act wise King Solomon knew who the true mother was.
Among other things, she has to learn to love her mother-in-law and unlearn the normal hatred that a wife has for the mother-in-law due to competition. Remove the perception that she has come to steal somebody’s son. Reassure the husband’s mother that she means well for her.
Daughters-in-law should always remember that tomorrow, they will become other women’s mothers-in-law. They should also remember the law of karma – whatever you sow today, you will reap tomorrow. There is one wicked and obnoxious philosophy that most ladies have. Once they marry a man, they want him all to themselves and their family. Take statistics of most homes and confirm what I am saying. In 90 per cent of homes, the relations you find around are relatives of the wife. True or false?
As cruel and callous as this seems, it is what it is! Most men are completely charmed by a mis-guided love for their wife. They abandon their family and pay attention only to the family of their wife. It is the wife’s mother that comes for Omugwo, (an Igbo word for a visit to care for a new-born baby and its mother). Very often as she returns home a fantastic package is arranged for her.
There are cases where the husband’s mother is branded a witch. Thus, she is tactically kicked out of favour. Sadly, today’s pastors have aided this atrocity by serving as agents of destruction. What can a daughter-in-law do to improve her relationship with her mother-in-law?
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Among other things, she has to learn to love her mother-in-law and unlearn the normal hatred that a wife has for the mother-in-law due to competition. Remove the perception that she has come to steal somebody’s son. Reassure the husband’s mother that she means well for her.
No one will say this is an easy task. It’s difficult and frustrating to love someone who doesn’t love you. Every move you make could be mis-interpreted and mis-represented. However, where there is a will, there is a way. In the end, trust me, good will always prevail over evil.
A woman must remember that whatever she does to her mother-in-law is a seed. This she will reap when she eventually becomes a mother-in-law to another lady.
Godwin Aondohemba Abeghe, Life Coach, is a graduate of the University of Jos and a prominent speaker on Family and Family Relationship. He lives in Lagos, Nigeria and can be reached via WhatsApp on +234 705 257 1353. Abeghe will be writing this column every fortnight under the label, ‘jPage Frequency’.
